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In Which My Life Seems Far Too Much Like I'm Watching It On The Silver Screen
Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2003 - 10:27 PM
I feel like I've been floating down the river of life lately. It's been wavey lately. There's been a series of ups and a series of downs. I don't particularly feel surprised by either. I don't particularly feel much, to tell you the truth. Or maybe I feel so much that they kind of cancel each other out. Perhaps muffle is a better way to put it. My heart swells and my heart shrivels. Sometimes several times within a short amount of time. There have been times within the last couple of days and weeks that I've felt very much like I was sans a manhood. I'm sure women have their own variation of such, but I don't think they know what it feels like to feel like less of a man. "You make me want to be a better man." I never really understood those words from As Good As It Gets until recently. When my heart swells is when I realize what I've got. The people that surround me. The people in my proverbial neighborhood. None of them satisfy me completely. However, the bits and pieces that I pick up from them -- some pieces bigger than others -- form some sort of whole that keeps me going from day to day. My heart swells when I realize that I've helped someone in some way that no one else was going to take the time to help them in. Mostly I just drift among a muffled life. It's like in Fight Club when he says how the volume on everything else gets turned way down. My routine is still the same, but it's turned down. I wake up each morning and take a shower. I get dressed. I brush my teeth. I go to work. I do what I'm paid to do. I go home. I eat dinner. I see TV. I go to sleep. During this routine everything is muffled. My brain feels like it's shut down. This isn't emotional stress. I've had emotional stress that has made me boarderline manic depressive before. I'm not high on life and then suicidal and weepy. More or less I'm just indifferent. Except for when I think of the things in my life that I do that make me feel like less of a man. No matter what else I do to prove myself chivalrous and good to my fellow man, certain misdeeds will always muffle the good.
I am Jack's decaying manhood. I'm sorry this is such a dark entry. I hate bloggers like me.
The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Speak Up
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