We Still Love Amy
Sunday, Nov. 28, 2004 - 4:52 PM

When I was younger, I met a girl named EP. This was a pseudonym for something that no one ever could remember, and I refused to call someone by their initials that didn't even stand for their real name. She became known as Amy as I named her the name of a character in Little Women. Eventually, her three closest friends would end up calling her that the majority of the time; even after finding out her name was Nichole.

Our relationship was a strange one. She pretended(?) to hate me with a fiery passion and I pretended to be totally in love with her. Not the most normal of circumstances, but it worked for us and it was pretty fun. I knew she didn't hate me because she would always be there for me, even when it meant totally screwing up her sleep schedule to be online for me to IM from India during days when I was there and I had not much else to do. Time went on and we became even better friends and by the beginning of our second year of knowing each other, the four of us (Amy, Bethany, Mark, and I) were finally destined to meet each other.

In February '01, the three of us went to spend a week in Amy's neck of the woods. This was a very strange time. She was adamantly opposed to my being there. To this day I'm not sure why that is. Mark boycotted the entire trip unless I was there. Amy eventually caved. Once there, I apprently grew on her. I'm not sure if this is because I introduced her to the joy that is Ben & Jerry's ice cream, or because I was freaking awesome at MarioKart 64 and totally beat the pants off everyone else in the room (girls dig that, you know) or what, but she warmed up to me. I gave her my very favorite hat and I wore it almost every day. It took me two years to find a replacement hat for it and even then it wasn't the same. It was like giving her my favorite pair of broken in jeans. It apparently smelled like cookies. My hands looked like tiger lillies. Mark's hands were statuesque. Bethany's hands didn't count, as far as I remember. A little bit that trip sucked (as he will tell you), but the friendships maturing on that trip were well worth it.

Amy started waking up earlier in the day to talk to me while I was at work not too long after that trip. We grew a lot closer even though there were still parts of her I could tell she was holding back from me. Parts that I don't really think she wanted to, but parts that she couldn't figure out how to say out loud without it scaring her to death. And that was okay.

And then she went into the Army. I don't know what happened to her in bootcamp, but it changed her as a person. She became jaded and cynical and made some bad choices. And no matter what anyone that truly loved her told her, she refused to believe that we still loved her. And 1/4 of a square of incredible friends was just... gone. She wanted nothing to do with us because we didn't love her enough. Love her enough to what? I'm not sure. Because all of us were there for her whenever she needed us to be. There wasn't a time that she asked us to be there, that I'm aware of, when we ditched her. She just... eventually stopped asking. And went so far as to tell one of us to uh... go away... (paraphrased for virgin eyes.) One of us, me, she just stopped talking to. While I also stopped contacting her, it was because I hardly ever got a response out of her. Talking to her was like talking to someone with ADD. You hardly ever got responses and when you did, they either were to change the subject or were one word answers like "huh" and "lol". The other of us, she still talks to, but not like she should, from what I can gather. She won't ask for help with her problems, which, ever since she entered the Army, she pretended like she didn't have any problems anyway. There couldn't have been anything further from the truth, but she couldn't or wouldn't or, in any case, didn't acknowledge that she had any problems. Jack Daniels and Jim Beam told her that she didn't as did various other men that said that they loved her and treated her poorly. No one has ever loved her as much as the three of us did. Maybe her mother did, but I'm not even sure of that. I am sure that the three of us loved her as much as anyone ever could.

And now she's back from Germany. She lives in Texas, not too far from Bethany (if you're speaking relatively and keeping in mind the size of Texas.) And she's never attempted contact with me. She had the chance to move to a base fifteen minutes from where I live and she didn't. I'd have taken care of her. I'd have licked her wounds and I'd have fed her chicken soup until she was strong and healthy and happy again. I still love her.

I had a dream two nights ago about her. She came back to us. She realized that we didn't care about all that crap that she went through in the past and we still love her. And things went back to the way they were meant to be. We were all four the best of friends again. How much I wish that'd happen. I miss Amy.

And now she spends her days shopping and reading the diaries of the three of us and pretending not to. And all three of us miss her so much and just wish she'd come home. But we don't know how to get her there.

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