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Texas A&M Researcher Wildebeast
Tuesday, Sept. 16, 2003 - 5:54 PM
No Means No In a surprising find today, it was reported that researcher James Wildebeast found that "no" does not in fact always mean "no". When asked what made him decide to research this cultural phenomenon, Dr. Wildebeast said that the idea was put in his head by an erotic dancer he was passing while minding his own business who said,"No means no." The psychology professor of Harvard University was quick to point out that he was looking for a subject on which to dupe the United States Government into giving him a grant for. "There are so many members of the Legislative branch of our government who would find the truth -- that is to say that no actually means yes -- helpful in their everyday lives that I figured I could get the grant. Whether picking out a secretary or a toupe, knowing that no could actually mean yes would be very helpful to them." The California Institue of Biometrics and Confectionaries also said that he would be persuing grants to find out if it's true that "when it's gone, it's gone" and whether or not it actually ain't over 'til it's over. "I just have to do what I have to do," said the researcher and then barely audibly muttered "Or do I?" as he pulled out a small pad of paper and a pen.
*Note: The editor of this article was fired immediately after approving this and sending it to print.
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