Life In The Form Of Fresh Clay
Friday, Jan. 30, 2004 - 1:00 AM

One of my best friend's birthday was on Wednesday. We were talking about her upcoming birthday about a week ago and talking about how our friendship will no longer be frowned upon. When we met, she was 12 and I was 17. The year after that, as you may have deduced, she was 13 and I was 18. For some reason adults frown on this. I can see myself frowning on an identical situation in 10 years. Of course, by that time things won't "be the way they used to be -- it's just not right now-a-days." I'm growing up.

The night that it was mentioned that an 18/22 (my birthday isn't until March) year old friendship isn't considered perverted anymore, I told her how strange it is that I've known her for her entire teenage life. "In some way, I've probably helped shape who you are." She replied, "I know you have."

That seemed like an overwhelming responsability that I should have taken more seriously over the last six years. You don't really think about these kinds of things until afterward, though. Besides, she's never felt five years younger than me. She's probably the most mature person I've ever met, all things being relative. She's always seemed my equal or perhaps even a step above me. I am, afterall, still Seventeen.

Tonight I realized there are people like that in my life. People that have known me for three, four, five, six years -- people that have helped to shape my life. And what I realized is, I'm not happy with how they've helped to shape it, for the most part. Sure there are those that have contributed to enriching my life, but for every one of those people, there is probably one person that had no significant impact on my life that I still spent time with, and there are probably two people that have diminished the quality of my life. The thing is, I sat by and watched it happen; it's no one's fault but mine. Still, that doesn't make it any less frustrating that it did happen. Upon realizing it, I felt violated. But I suppose that's the risk you take to find those that do enrich your life.

The thought that I may be a person that diminished the quality of someone else's life is gut wrenching. How I wish that this would make me turn over a new leaf and be extra careful in how I treat people. What I say to them; what I say about them; what I don't say to them and should. It doesn't seem like that's the way life's destined to be, though. We can't tip toe through life. Life isn't always puppies and daisies. That doesn't cheapen the fact, however, that if I can't help you, I don't want to hurt you.

From the top of my head I can think of at least two people whose lives I truely believe would have been better off, were it not for me. My intentions at the time weren't to hurt at all. I never thought being friends with them would turn out for the worse. Yet they did. And for that, I am truely sorry.

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