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Exploding Bottle
Monday, Nov. 08, 2004 - 1:35 PM
The thing about life that keeps things so interesting is that just when you think you have things figured out, you're thrown a curve ball. The things that are, are ever evolving and taking new shape. The way you deal with them is what makes you the person you are. The way things are evolving are becoming more and more difficult and at times make me take a look at the way I deal with them and realize that I'm not especially happy with the person I am. I see the shape of what I'd like to be, but I'm not able to fit into that mold. Nonetheless, out of lack of interest or laziness or being overwhelmed by the expanse of such an undertaking, I never even pretend to plan on starting such a thing and thus never even get to Stage 2: Procrastination. And so old things go and new things come and I feel like I'm having to deal with the same things over and over and over again. New shape, same soul. I never finished conquering it the first time before it changed into something else. My dreams are dreadfully unrealistic. Most would say that's what makes them dreams. But dreams are the accomplishable that have not yet been accomplished. There comes a point where dreams become so unrealistic that they're no longer dreams, they're just a string of wishes. False wishes, because given the opportunity, I don't think I would wish them into existence. What Could Have Been is an ugly monster who I've grown to hate passionately. I don't feel good at life. I feel content with what I do, but not good at life. What I Do: Get up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV while on my laptop, go to sleep with a peppering of seeing Cai every once in a while. Repeat. I'm not really sure what kind of life that is. I'm not really sure it is one. But it's comfortable. And the thought of changing it seems overwhelming. It just doesn't seem worth it. It seems entirely too complicated and the world at large seems entirely too self-centered. I realize that the last sentence doesn't really seem to have much to do with the rest of what I've had to say, but trust me -- it does. So, I suppose in summation, no, everything won't be okay. But at least it will continue to change. And no, I don't really want to talk about it. But I genuinely appreciate the offer. And as an afterthought, I think that may be a large part of the problem. I don't really feel like I can talk about it as much as I want to and as much as you'd like me to. It just doesn't seem like a good idea. And that makes me sad. And as an additional afterthought, I really, really, really resent your lumping me and others like me into a group that you obviously have taken neither the time nor effort to learn even the smallest detail about. I�m not what you tell the world I am. You are lying about me to people I care about and to the world at large. And you don�t even know me. Yet you�re thought of as highly intelligent and there�s a good chance you�ll never be exposed. I certainly can�t expose you. A stalemate in which I�ve lost. And that makes me mad. I've been writing this entry for an hour and a half.
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